Troubled

If you were to bump into me on the streets a couple of weeks ago you would have witnessed the epitome of one of the happiest black women in New Orleans. If you bumped into me now...not so much. (In the words of my mom) Things are spiraling down around me fast, so much so that I feel like I don't have the stregnth to try to stop it. My money is disappearing into thin air, along with my relationship, and my motivation. Bottom line I need a job, it's so much easier said then done. It seems as though everything I want to do in life is laughing in my face and walking away. My dreams, aspirations, and plans just spitting at me and giving me a look of uttmost disgust and repulsion. I am litarally sick to my stomach. One of the people who I love the most is unconsciously pushing me away. And if I were to say inything to let him know of his wrong doing his display of ignorance is replaced with anger, something that I can not and will not tolerate. I demand respect, even from those who are ignorant to the fact that they are not giving it to me. Point, blank, period. But when all is said and done love outweighs alot of cons. And here I am with one hand stretched out as wide as possible, shaking and flicking trying to let go while the other holds on with a grip past death, digging nails and pulsating forward with every slip trying to hold on.
All I can do is put my face in my hands. Stop, trying to figure out where the money is going, and work on getting more. Stop trying to fix him and let God fix him. Stop stressing and pray. Im on the tip of the cliff, with my toes curved over the edge crumbling away the dirt and rocks that wish to be free from the dry ledge listening to the pebbles topple down into the abyss of hoplessness. And all I can do is put my face in my hands, take a deep breathe, and step back.

Trying Again,
Tay Lin

I'm sooo 18

Okay I have to dedicate this short post to one of the best events in a young persons life. I'M FREAKING 18!!!!!! Finally it has happened ya'll. It just feels good to say it ....type it whatever. So ya'll know this weekend is going down especially if we win our game against Howard. Sheeet! lol but naw for real I'm just sooo friggin happy lol. I just had to share it with ya'll.

Jumping up and down in circles,
Tay Lin

Letting the Looney Past Go

Im learning something... You can not enjoy your future when the past is constantly calling you on the phone. Red (below) is a part of my future, someone who I want to include in what I have plannned for myself. And then there's Loony he wasn't always loony...okay yes he was but I just didn't wanna see it. He was my first everything. So letting him go has been a very hard task. We've both tried not talking ands just erasing eachother out of our lives but that plan didn't work at all. Eventually we were on the phone again pretending like we didn't have separate lives.
So you know what I've got going, on school, Red, college etc. Loony has a girlfriend also, she's 25 (five years older than him) and has a kid. I do not mind talking to Looney sometimes but sometimes its pointless like when he talks about them shopping for sex toys(that they plan on using every night) or what kind of panties she wears ooor what kind of kinky lingerie he's getting here for Mother's Day!!! What makes him think I want to listen to that shit...ever!!! But this is the thing that gets me...he needs me. He needs me to talk to about the crazy things Mrs.Looney does or when they get into huge fight or when he is suicidal. This is where my issue with my Father comes up because when I needed him most he wasn't there and I feel as though I was the black sheep he just didn't need me in his new life.
I have known Looney for basically 2 years dated him for 1 and the things that he told me on the phone last night made me feel like I'd only just met him during that phone conversation. He basically said that he and his girlfriend got into a big argument and it ended with him being pretty abusive to her throwing her out his house and effing up her car. I sat in a fake suprise, I call it fake because I wanted to be surprised because he had never been that way with me but I couldn't be because I really knew how crazy he had become. And then the icing on the cake was that she stayed with him and he just bought her a $1000 dollar promise ring.(yeah right, its such an engagement ring I just think he doesnt wanna tell me) and she STILL wants to have a kid with him.
So now I am officially through he is not only Looney he is confused. I used to be confused but I'm not any more. My mind is clear, you are not gonna call me at 12 o'clock at night telling me how much you care for me and wanna get back with me one day then tell me how you wanna start a family and eventually marry someone else. I have learned that life goes on and we're NOT gonna be in love with eachother for the rest of our lives. Thats it...I have Red now who is in no way confused or ABUSIVE or LOONEY so its time to let the past go.

Bye Looney, it was fun you gave me alot but you gotta deal with youreself by yourself.

Finally Letting Go (for real),
Tay Lin

Real Wolves Don't Give a Sh*t About Sheeps Clothing

The above statement is beyond true for me right now. I have a part-time job at Wendy's out here in Columbus, when I first got this job I was too excited. It was a pretty cool job and my co-workers were as cool as could be. But now....I would like to blow that entire place to smithereens!!! Yes smithereeens...What I didn't know was that fast food is not only filled with fattening food but also people who don't give a damn about you or your feelings that will stab you in the back or straight up disrespect you just for a freaking laugh. I knew that there was wolves in sheeps clothing but I didn't know there was wolves who would stand straight in your face and be a wolf like aint a damn thing wrong with it. But hey, you learn something new everyday. Well for now I have to put my thick skin on for these next two months that I'll be working at that hell hole and "G up!" like my friend would say. But to all ya'll wolves out there I'm giving ya'll a shout out cause it takes alot of balls to have no heart.

Recognizing Wolves,
Tay Lin