I'm A Mess

Soundtrack- I'm a Mess By Anthony Hamilton

If I could write down all the things wrong with my life right now, all the excuses, aggrivation, fear, sadness, and anger I feel when I wake up in the morning, I would be sitting in a dark corner of the world writting until my fingers ran away from my body in agony. But the craziest thing in the world to me is that the keys to ending my frustration, to anyone else, is simple.
Budget your money
Stop smoking
Get another job
Save up
Break up with your boyfriend
Study
Stay in school
How do these things roll of other people tounges like they are just telling me to blink my right eye and all will be right with the world. I'm just a mess. It seems liker everytime i turn around I owe some one some damn money how do I owe people money from sitting on my ass doing nothing since I got to New Orleans six months ago. Wow....I have been back home for six months, and what do I have to show for it, a crappy car, a crappy fall semester, endless crappy overdue bills tickes and payments, a crappy relationship? Just a bunch of crap. Okay, so If I say I wanna turn it around "get my life back together". I don't even know where to start. I guess thats a part of being "a mess". I want to stay in school but honestly i don't know what I to do, I spent about 10 years of my life wanting to be a marine biologist, then about 3 months wanting to be a architect, now im in community college a second year general studies major. What the hell. How can you be enthuisiastic about being in school if you don't know what you want to do? I don't even know how to find out what i want to do. I do know one thing I want to do, I want to scream! Loud as hell. Then I want to go to church. Then I want to get it together what ever "it" is. I want to move into my own aprtment like any other person turing 20 years old I don't want to live with my mother. But I have to get it together first. I'm tired of my life looking easy to everyone else but being a hell hole for me. I know the only one who can do it is me. I'm just a mess.

Trying to clean up,
Tay Lin

Sick as a.....Dog?!?

I always wondered where the term sick as a dog came from. So being the investigative person I am I looked it up. According to my sources** the term was first recorded in 1705, it is probably an attempt to give a good push to a strongly worded statement of physical unhappiness. It was attached to a dog, I would guess, because dogs often seem to have been connected to things that were considered unpleasant. Down the years they have had an incredibly bad press, (think of dog tired, dog’s breakfast, go to the dogs, dog Latin — big dictionaries have long entries about all the ways that dog has been used in a negative sense)...
I wasn't really satisfied with my findings I guess I figured I would bump into some elaborate story about a dog who had a rediculous amount of sicknesses and spread them around to people until he was totally healed or some thing. LOL...So why have I been pondering this expression lately, well because I have been sick as a dog lately. I rather not go into details but acouple of ignored health problems lead to my being in the hospital for two day last week with an infection attacking my blood. I was pumped with pain pills and antibiotics for a couple of days and sent of my not-so-merry way. So for the rest of the week and weekend I have have been recovering. I finally returned to class today after missing a couple of days and im starting to feel like the old me but the past week will not leave my memory any time soon. In the midst of everything else that has been going on I have neglected my health and greatly paid the price. Oh but there will be plenty more price to pay once these hospital bills darken my doorstep. Well on the brightside Wal-mart called me, eventhough I wasn't home at the time. I definately plan on calliong them back today, because I need a job horribly maybe then I can start paying my many many bills and random crap I need to pay for or off. Somewhere out there my silver lining is starting to twinkle. Just a little bit.

Sick as a person trying their hardest not to be sick,
Tay lin

Another Nother...

In the words of one of my besties, "If it aint one thing its another, and if it aint that its another nother." I have definately reached the "another nother". Some little highschooler's car and the back of mine collided today. Oh the joy I felt as I backed up and my little cousin said, "Someones behind you." I joyfully looked back just in time to see there car give my beautiful Bee's behind a french kiss. As i spewed a plethora of curses i got out of the car and exchange insurance information with the calm teenager. Why so calm you may ask? Because my car was barely scraped while the front of theres wasn't so lucky. They will probably get a nice check to fix there crunched car while my damn rates will sky rocket next year. Freakin great !!! I'll probably have to pay a nice lil chunk or change to the insurance company for their damn car. WHY THE HELL COULDN'T I JUST HAVE STAYED MY ASS IN BED!!!! Im tooo through. Well on the briteside my moms coming intown to day and I'm pickeing her up from the airport. Yaaaay me. lol Naw seriously I've been missing her since I left Columbus 2 months ago. This should be a interesting couple of days.

Fuming and Furious,
Tay lin

Troubled

If you were to bump into me on the streets a couple of weeks ago you would have witnessed the epitome of one of the happiest black women in New Orleans. If you bumped into me now...not so much. (In the words of my mom) Things are spiraling down around me fast, so much so that I feel like I don't have the stregnth to try to stop it. My money is disappearing into thin air, along with my relationship, and my motivation. Bottom line I need a job, it's so much easier said then done. It seems as though everything I want to do in life is laughing in my face and walking away. My dreams, aspirations, and plans just spitting at me and giving me a look of uttmost disgust and repulsion. I am litarally sick to my stomach. One of the people who I love the most is unconsciously pushing me away. And if I were to say inything to let him know of his wrong doing his display of ignorance is replaced with anger, something that I can not and will not tolerate. I demand respect, even from those who are ignorant to the fact that they are not giving it to me. Point, blank, period. But when all is said and done love outweighs alot of cons. And here I am with one hand stretched out as wide as possible, shaking and flicking trying to let go while the other holds on with a grip past death, digging nails and pulsating forward with every slip trying to hold on.
All I can do is put my face in my hands. Stop, trying to figure out where the money is going, and work on getting more. Stop trying to fix him and let God fix him. Stop stressing and pray. Im on the tip of the cliff, with my toes curved over the edge crumbling away the dirt and rocks that wish to be free from the dry ledge listening to the pebbles topple down into the abyss of hoplessness. And all I can do is put my face in my hands, take a deep breathe, and step back.

Trying Again,
Tay Lin

Community My Behind!

Yep, I'm back. Oh don't act so suprised. What? You thought I wouldn't post for another 3 months. (Again, who am I talking to? Who reads my blog?). But anyway like I mentioned in my previous post Im back in New Orleans and I'm attending Nunez Community College. Okay you guys I am dying for some type of excitement around here. Communtiy College and HBCU are on two different ends of the spectrum and its slowly but surely deppressing me. My friends keep sending messages and invites to everything thats going on back at FAMU and its killing me. I've gotten to the point of just deleting them or quickly clicking the "not attending" button before I even get a glance at the colorful flyer displaying college students enjoying there party fun. Community College isn't that bad but its boring you just go to class and thats it. People don't really talk to each other or anything it just sucks. Thats exactly why the last week in October I will be in Tallahassee enjoying the hell out of Homecomming week at FAMU! Yep I found a escape route. It's just gonna suck having to come back. Oh well.

Counting the days,
tay lin

M.I.A.

Ok, go ahead and say it.....I know, I know, Where the hell have I been right? Honestly, I really don't know whose asking this question because I don't know who actually reads my blog. But if there is one lonely soul out there who has stopped by to see if I have put my blogging cap back on, well here I am. Of course I'm going to use the excuse of just too much crap going on to sitdown and blog. But my life is slowing down a bit. So I guess I'll start with the top 5 craziest things that has happened to me since I last posted.

1. Car Accident
2.$$$
3.New School
4.Car
5.Back in New Orleans

Yeah some old fool ran a stop sign and caused a chain of events that ended with my forehead crashing into the rearveiw mirror of my friends car during my pre-summer vacation in Ft.Walton, Florida. Yeah, I walked away from that adventure with seven stitches on my forehead and a beautiful scar to show off for the rest of my life. But on the bright side I turned that walk into a run with a nice cash settlement. But sadly it was not enough to pay off my balance that I still owed FAMU. I had no one to cosign for a loan and it was not looking good. In the end everything works out eventhough it may not be as planned. So I grabbed all of my things and moved back to New Orleans. Squeezed into a community college and took a little chunk of my money and bought a 2000 Nissan Xterra that happens to be a beautiful bright yellow.
So thats my recent life in a nutshell, me just trying to make it through and eventually get my behind back to FAMU. My head is still slightly spinning but eventually I'll get over it, and try my heardest not to be M.I.A any more, atleast not in the blogging world.

Coming out of hiding,
Tay Lin

Fine Dinning

I sat in the caf this morning at a two person table enjoying brunch by myself. Not that many of my friends are Saturday morning people hence the independence from company. But honestly I didn't mind. I looked around and observed the people around me, and I noticed 85% of the people who were also enjoying there brunches were either with a companion or a group of people. Those who were left were like me, or on a cell phone. I then began to wonder what is the problem with eating by yourself? There has been platy of times when I am in the caf in the morning and someone who I know walks pass, says hi, and then gives me a sad face, "Awww you by yourself?" I smile and say yeah, like sooo. I mean i really have no problem with it at all, I like to observe people in silence and enjoy my gross food. I like to listen to people's loud conversations and enjoy the fact that they're not at the table with me spitting all in my food. Some times i like to read our campus newspaper (The Famuan), or a book, without having to hear one of my friends ramble on about their problems, boyfriend, mess, or anything of the sort. Sometimes a friend of mine will see me in my breakfast solitude and decide to invite themselves to sit at my table. I look up and they smile so big as if they have cured me of leprosy.
But really what is the big deal. Do people feel like an outcast by them selves? As if eating alone automatically spells "I have no friends". Or is it the "Clique Factor" that now has been dragged out of high school society and place in a collegiate surrounding. And it's not just a girl thing, it's actually more common with guys. You never see them in the caf with out there goons. Which ironically makes it harder to get girls, in my opinion. who wants to walk up to a mob of continuously horny guys. good luck with that. Well as for me I'm fine with how I dine. I hope people get better at being more comfortable being with themselves. You gotta learn that before you can be comfortable with anybody else.

Loner Luncher,
Tay Lin